Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
