I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
