Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
