im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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