Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
