I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
