you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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