We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
