i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
