After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
