Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
