I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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