Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
