I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
