rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
