Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
