$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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