No stitches, just platelets and will power
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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