today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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