Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
