I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
