please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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