In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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