im six kinds of drunk right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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