I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
