Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
