Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
