i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
