Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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