I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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