Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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