U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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