Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
