I cut my penus on the lid.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
