I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
