Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
