you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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