Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
