Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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