Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
