The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
