Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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