can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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