I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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