True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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