what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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