new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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