my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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