i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
