There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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