I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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