i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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