If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
