the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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