something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
