her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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