Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
