I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
