he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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