I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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