so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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